ON YOUR MIND
By Dr. Jon Robinson
	Following are two questions offered by our readers and answered by our guest columnist, Dr. Jon Robinson.

Dear Dr. Robinson,
	The seasonal holidays are upon us and I have two challenges. First, my 10 year old son now believes there is no Santa Claus. That's okay, but he is inflicting his opinion on his little sister, age 5. Second, they're both wrapped up in the commercial Christmas, with little attention to the spiritual and religious impact. Last year they even counted the number of presents each got and were upset when the numbers weren't even. So, how do I help my daughter keep the wonder of the season alive and also keep Jesus' birth from getting lost in the commercial shuffle? Signed, In A Conundrum.
Dear "Connie,"
	Get it? "Connie" is short for Conundrum (LOL). I appreciate your dilemma. At age 10, your son is just getting into using his capacity for abstract thinking. You don't want to squelch that as he is figuring out something as abstract as Santa Claus. On the other hand, your daughter is full of awe and wonder for this magical gift-giver. And, some parents (not you) use this magic to encourage children to be nice over naughty, where Santa is concerned. 
	Generally, I encourage you to love and accept each of your kids where they are and for their individual beliefs. Have a teachable moment (or two) with your son to explore his reasoning, helping him conclude that Christmas celebration focuses on relationship, not on reality. In that spirit, he can embrace sister's magic about Christmas and not dash her awe and wonder simply to pull his own power play on her.  If their exchange digresses to mutual tattle tailing, use your active listening skills to help each understand what they are feeling and to lower their emotional fevers, and then ask, "Well, what's your opinion? Each of you is entitled to your own opinion." Focus on answering all questions and on having mutual respect for each child's opinion.
	Regarding spirituality and the season, I don't think it's coincidence that all major religions celebrate on or around the winter solstice. Christians, Jews, Muslims, and African Kwanza religions embrace that time of year. Actually, history shows that December 25th was originally a pagan holiday to help people keep a festive and engaging perspective through bleak and harsh winter months, where it was impossible to leave the cave and socialize. In modern, commercial America, however, it seems especially hard to maintain the spirit of the season.
	So, it will take concerted effort on the part of the grown-ups in your house to bring "the reason for the season" into play. Something concrete works best in the eyes of children. 
	I've known some parents that make a family project out of baking Jesus a birthday cake and singing happy birthday, as it is served for dessert for a family meal that day. This tends to generate meaningful, age-appropriate conversation. Others have drawn names out of a hat for gift-giving, to address the explosion of gifts from everyone to everyone. 
	Others help the children participate in sacrificial giving to less fortunate people. (Make sure your child gives something from their allowance/bank account/resources toward the project.) Such efforts have included buying a goat for a family in a distant, impoverished environment. More locally, it could involve putting together food or gifts to take to your local homeless shelter. "Angel Trees" are popular in some places, where gift-giving is directed to the less fortunate, such as the children of parents who are in prison. People pick a construction paper angel off a Christmas tree, and the angel has the names, ages, and sizes of the children who will receive the gift. 
	These and other options are ways that your family can “share” Christmas with both Santa and Jesus.
Dear Dr. Robinson,
	Holidays and other breaks from school present a particular challenge in our family. My kids are 6, 10, and 12. Bedtimes can get rough, with horseplay, last minute requests and with changing bedtimes around holidays and other breaks. It seems they will only quiet and go to sleep when I yell the loudest and I don’t want to be “that mom.” Help? Signed, Stuck in chaos.
Dear Stuck,
	My heart goes out to you. Your kids represent three distinct developmental stages in childhood, each with its own challenges. Additionally, they are challenging your authority and don’t respond until you reach the end of your rope. You know that saying about tying a knot on the end of your rope? Here’s how.
	Start by having a heartfelt discussion with your husband and assure that you both are on the same page. When you reach your limit with the kids, use what my wife and I called “tag team parenting” when our kids were young. When I’m done, I find and tag her and declare, “You’re it.” The pre-arrangement is that you won’t be tagged for mere convenience. You just know you are about to say or do something bad if you don’t get relief.
	Now, the two of you prepare for and hold a family meeting around bedtime chaos. Use your active listening skills to sort out all the feelings, complaints, and suggestions. Challenge the kids to contribute to the problem-solving.
	Typically, with kids your ages, it’s developmentally important for each child to have a unique bedtime. Clearly that works for your 6 year old, but when brothers are close in age, like your 10 and 12 year olds, some families find it easier to put them to bed at the same time. That robs the oldest of a privilege he should have, as long as he doesn’t abuse it.
	Also, start putting the kids to bed 15-30 minutes prior to their lights out bedtime. This accounts for all of the stalling tactics, and helps them prepare for sleep. It also gives you cuddle time, talk time, and other emotional bonding with each child. If possible, both you and hubby should alternate/share bedtime routines for the children. The old divide and conquer adage, which, in the end, gives you more couple time after they are in bed. It also is important to give each child quality gender time.
	Finally, as holidays and other changes to schedule occur, make this is an agenda item on your weekly family meetings. Also, be sure to put the changes on your family events calendar. These are vital tools in family functioning to help avoid transition meltdowns and/or challenges. Acknowledging and preparing for changes always help them go more smoothly.